1 down, 21 to go

Weekends of wedding planning, that is.

Here are just some of the arguments my mother and I have had since I got engaged:

Argument #1: The bar
Trisha: We're going to serve beer and wine at the reception. Joe and I will pay because we know you're not into that.
Mom: No way. My LDS neighbors will feel uncomfortable around alcohol.
Trisha: There is alcohol at Chili's and Olive Garden, and I'm sure they eat there. It's not like we're going to do body shots off each other.
Mom: I don't care, I don't want it around.
Trisha: Fine, we'll put on the invitations, "Reception from 6 to 9, bar opens at 7."
Mom: No. I'm not going to advertise that there will be alcohol there!
Joe to me: Then tell her she can have her own private reception in her backyard and we'll make a brief appearance.
Trisha: I give up.

Argument #2: The officiator
Mom: You should really consider having Bishop Lang officiate your wedding.
Trisha: No way. I haven't been to church in 8 years, and Joe is Catholic!
Mom: He is a great man. He would do a really neutral, beautiful speech.
Trisha: No! I hated his kids growing up. I don't want him to be part of the biggest day of my life. Plus, the symbolism of that is just totally disrespectful to Joe's family. I'm planning to ask a juvenile court judge.
Mom: Well you should at least think about it.
Trisha: I give up.

Argument #3: The invites
Trisha: Mom, I saw these cute invites with a plus sign. What do you think about "Trisha + Joe"?
Mom: I hate it. The "+" looks like a cross!
Trisha: I give up.



Argument #4: The hair
Trisha: Mom, here are some hair pics I like (all updos). Which do you like?
Mom: I thought you were wearing your hair down. Why did you waste all this time growing it out?
Trisha: Because you need long hair for a cool updo.
Mom: You should wear it down. Why do you even ask for my opinion if you don't want it?
Trisha: I give up.

Argument #5: The centerpieces
Trisha: Mom, I saw this really cute idea of putting coffee beans in the bottom of the vases instead of dirt.
Mom: You know I HATE the smell of coffee.
Trisha: Mom, that smell is from GROUND coffee beans or BREWED coffee. Whole coffee beans don't really smell.
Mom: No. The smell makes me want to throw up.
Trisha: It's not like you're going to be sitting at the tables where the centerpieces are.
Mom: No. If I'm putting up with alcohol, I'm not putting up with coffee, too.
Trisha: I give up.

Argument #6: The dress shopping
Trisha: Joe's mom will be in town for my graduation and for "wedding kickoff planning weekend" so I want to go dress shopping with her and you and Kara.
Mom: This may sound selfish, but I have been waiting 25 years for this day, and I don't want to share it with anyone.
Trisha: Well I want them included. I've been totally stressed about this weekend and how to make everyone enjoy themselves and feel a part of this, and dress shopping is what I came up with.
Mom: Well maybe you can find a day to go shopping just with ME before Mary gets here.
Trisha: NO! I have a job and I'm not rearranging my schedule for your silly selfish requests. I guess we can do something else that weekend if you refuse to participate. I give up.

So you can see why I have been JUST A LITTLE STRESSED about "wedding kickoff weekend." Well I have to say, it was not as bad as I had expected. My mom relented on wanting solo dress time (due to the persuasion of her bank teller) so we shopped for that. I think Mary's presence helped to calm the storm between me and my mom because we ACTUALLY ALL GOT ALONG!! It was a small miracle, really. And we found a dress! (Can't post pics here b/c Joe reads the blog, but email me if you want to see them.) There was just one small issue...

Argument #7: The color
Trisha: Mom, thanks for being cool about me wanting an ivory dress. I really thought you would push for white and that would become a huge issue.
Mom: Well I think ivory is best with you and Joe living together.
Trisha: What?!
Mom: Yeah, I think the reason for ivory being more and more popular is because so many people cohabitate these days.
Trisha: I give up.

Eenie-meenie-miney-mo

Which one do you think it is, Joe?
You will never know...
Until the 10th of Octo'

Chicken Shit Bingo

Yes, you heard me right. Chicken Shit Bingo. It was just one of the Kentucky Derby festivities at Piper Down this past weekend. The rules are pretty basic. Numbers 1-48 are randomly distributed throughout the bar by green-haired Bud Light Girls. Then, a chicken is let loose on the 6x8 grid and you just hope and pray it shits on your number first! The stupid chicken kept walking over my number (#19) and I was screaming, "SHIT, SHIT, YOU DAMN CHICKEN!!!!" Joe said I was the loudest person in the crowd. Imagine that. In the end, the chicken shit on someone else's number, but it was sure hilarious to watch!

One of the Bud Light Girls letting the chicken "Ms. Obama" loose

"NINETEEN, NINETEEN YOU STUPID CHICKEN!!!"

Joe, Jordan, and Vic cheering for the chickens
(wait, why are they looking at the Bud Light Girl?)

Deathstar

I've been hearing about the so-called "most famous drink in SLC" for years, so I finally decided to try one. We watched the bartender making them, and the process looked so promising, but the result was pretty disappointing. Mine tasted just like it looks -- "blue" -- and for those of you who have ever had a blue alcoholic beverage, you know what I'm talking about. Kim and Tina's tasted like High C fruit punch. Don't waste the $8, but I do highly recommend the spicy chicken nachos.

El Chihuahua on 3900 S Highland Dr

Death and Taxes (I think I prefer death)

Let me begin with a little personal tax history. I used to do my own taxes until I started selling Mary Kay in 2005, and then it just got way too complicated with Schedule C's and the like. I became so overwhelmed by the thought of finding a good tax consultant and having to explain to him or her why I didn't keep very good business records during the year, that I just didn't deal with any of it! That's right, I didn't file my taxes that year. Or the next year. Or the year after that. Doesn't sound like the responsible, law-abiding, OCD Trisha that you know, does it?!

Then one day, I won a Mini Cooper, and I decided I better get my shit together because the IRS would surely be after me for that $8K debt. I found this awesome tax guy (Mark) who specializes in Mary Kay business taxes, and he helped me catch up all 3 years I had been avoiding. Basically, he became my new personal hero, and I was committed to being a life-long customer.

So where did things go astray? Joe is where. Joe is what we call a bargain shopper. Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining. It's a very nice quality to have; he compliments my impulsiveness well. Well Joe decided that he didn't want to pay Mark another $200 this year. I agreed it was a little high, but I would rather pay him $1000 than go through the drama of finding a new accountant at this point. So I made Joe a deal that we could use a new tax guy of his choosing as long as Joe did all the legwork and I just got to sit and sign.

So Joe hires this guy that his dad recommended (Dale). Dale is a cute old guy who does taxes in the basement of his home. Joe and I knew we were screwed as soon as Dale put his pudgy little fingers to the keyboard. Bet you never knew that I work for the "State of Uta" and that Joe and I won some "prises" last year? Two-and-a-half hours later when his next clients showed up, we were far from done, so he asked us to grab some dinner and come back in an hour. When we got back, he had lost my returns. Thank God we found them, paid this guy his $160, and ran out the door.

First thing next morning, Joe scheduled a Second Look Review at H&R Block because we did not trust this guy at all. Surprise, surprise! He f***ed the whole thing up. He put the house on Joe's return, when it saved us more money to put it on mine. He put our prize winnings on a Schedule C, which is for earned income, so he had us paying twice as much tax on them. He encouraged me to claim a business office in my home for MK, when I really didn't qualify. Our return at H&R turned out to be much less, but at least it was legal and accurate! So we paid them $329 to just file the damn thing.

So then Joe calls Dale to ask for a refund. We were hoping for at least half, if not all of it, back. I know he spent a lot of time on our returns, but he was putting us in position to owe the IRS hundreds of dollars if we ever got audited! Right in the middle of the call, Dale cuts Joe off, says he will call him later, and HANGS UP. WTF. He finally calls back a week later and offers us $50 back (much less than half). Joe argues his point; Dale says no. What an ass.

So all in all we spent about 1/2 a mortgage payment on tax returns this year. I guess you live and you learn. The plus side is that Joe learned how to do the Schedule Cs for Mary Kay after sitting through so many hours of tax preparation, so we'll be doing our own taxes next year!

I heart insurance companies

So much for great State benefits! PEHP (the company that provides health insurance to State employees) has made a lot of changes to their plans this year due to the economy. First off, my premium went from 2% to 5% (okay I still only pay about $18 a month so I'm not going to complain). And, office copays increased by $5. I guess I can handle that. But here are the things I CANNOT handle:

• ER visits increased from $75 to $150. Let's screw all the people who are most in need!
• Drugs for the treatment of nail fungus will no longer be covered because it "is considered cosmetic." Now I've never had a nail fungus, but I can imagine that you would want it gone for more than cosmetic reasons.
• Oral and nasal antihistamines will no longer be covered because "availability of antihistamines as over-the-counter drugs is increasing." If this is their argument, why do we even buy insurance at all? Why don't we just buy everything over the counter?
  

and the kicker...

• Drugs for enuresis (bedwetting) will no longer be covered because they are "not a medical necessity." Are you seriously shitting me right now? Let's punish the children. It's totally fine to let kids piss all over themselves. They may not be MEDICALLY necessary, but they sure as hell are necessary for good MENTAL HEALTH! PEHP is going to end up paying tons more in therapy services in the long run -- for these kids AND for their parents. And society is going to pay for this new policy through an increase in bullying, depression, and more Suleyman Taloviches.

The Sound of Music...

...is my favorite movie of all time, so I just had to post this! It's at a train station in Antwerp, Belgium. I can't figure out if these are professional dancers or just the public, but either way, it will make you smile!

Bullseye!

There must be a huge bullseye on my car. This is my fourth car accident in which someone has decided to run right into me. Many of you know about the previous three, which led to a wonderful 18-month lawsuit. Luckily, I'm done and over with that crap. Luckily, no one was in the car with me. And luckily, HAD Joe been in the car with me, he wouldn't be suing me.

I was just leaving my office and headed to see a client. (Thank God I didn't take a State car. It was Friday, so there were plenty available, but I was just too lazy to deal with that.) I had a green arrow to turn left onto southbound Bangerter Hwy from westbound Parkway Blvd . This kid was FLYING up northbound Bangerter and ran his red light. Said he "didn't see it". As I was making my left turn, I saw him coming at me, so I hit the gas to avoid the impact. I didn't quite make it out of his way -- he hit my driver's side rear tire. But thank GOD I saw him, because if I hadn't sped up, the impact probably would have been right on the driver's side door! My car spun around 180 degrees right in the middle of that busy intersection. Thank God no one ELSE hit me!

So who do you think I called first?
a. 911
b. Joe
c. my mom
d. my client who I was headed to see

And the answer is...d! What an idiot, right? I called her, CRYING, to tell her I couldn't make it. I was so embarrassed, but I was already running 5 minutes late, and I didn't want her to think I stood her up. Then I tried to call 911, but Joe was calling ME at that exact moment, so he got to hear what happened before the dispatcher. The cops were almost there by the time I called 911!

The kid who hit me admitted he ran the light, and he got a ticket. Plus, a witness stopped to tell the cop what happened (I'll remember to stop next time I see an accident because that was really nice of her.) The poor kid was really scared, and his girlfriend was crying and yelling at him. I said to Joe, "I feel bad for him," and Joe said, "Me, too." This is why I love Joe. (For those of you who know about the previously-mentioned-person-who-sued-me's-reaction-to-car-accidents, you know what I'm talking about.

My car was certainly not drive-able. I could barely drive it out of the intersection to the side of the road. The tow truck bent my axle when he put it on the tow bed, so we'll see if it's totaled or not. Part of me would like to buy a new car right now, but the other part of me says, "No way! Your car is paid off and it's sooo nice not to have a car payment! Plus you have a wedding to pay for!" So we'll see what happens, but in the meantime, I have a nice Pontiac G6 rental car.

Rear driver's side tire (and the culprit's car in the background)

My back seat. This stuff was MOSTLY in a nice stack before I got hit. Notice the orange and yellow box -- the lid got knocked off and pictures flew everywhere.

Resolution

I admit, I have been horrible at keeping up the blog lately. I'm blaming Facebook. But I am recommitting myself to blogging, now that I have a sweet new camera, school is almost over, and I have a big vacation to document! Here's my one disclaimer: I used to blog to entertain you all, but now I am going to blog more for my own benefit. I have a HORRIBLE memory (ask Joe or Kara) and I want to be able to remember all these fun things I'm doing! So if my new blog style bores you, sorry, but no one is making you read it.

Spring Break Day 5

A whole day at sea! What can we possibly find to do.....?

Art auction: This would have been interesting if the first hour hadn't been devoted to browsing through all the pieces! I just wanted to see how fast the auctioneer could talk and laugh at rich fools as they threw away all their money. At least we had free champagne while we waited. And I discovered my favorite new artist: Itzchak Tarkay (pronounced Eat-Sock Tark-Eye). His work is AMAZING! Too bad the watercolor landscape I wanted started at $12,000.

Horse races: Remember that little pony-head-on-a-stick you had when you were little? Who ever thought six of these ponies could come together to create the MOST FUN I HAVE EVER HAD ON A CRUISE SHIP?! You bet $1 on whichever horse feels lucky, and then wait for your dice to be rolled! Sounds stupid, but I swear to you, this is more edge-of-your-seat action than the NBA playoffs. My horse won the first round, Joe's won the second round, and unfortunately, neither of our horses won the final bonus round :(

Gambling: Joe stopped by the casino for some three-card poker action. He'd been lucky in Vegas, but just to outdo himself, he had to hit a three of a kind! That pays 30:1, you know. His single hand paid for my gambling all week. Good job, baby!

Hyponist: If you haven't seen one, you have to go! I laughed so hard that my sides hurt. It was an "adult's only" show and the tasks included:
-- Whenever the hypnotist looked at one of the women, her panties were to immediately begin vibrating
-- The participants were told that they had an extreme case of poison ivy on their asses, and the only way to relieve the itching was to scratch against the person next to them
-- The participants were told that the room was getting hotter than an oven, so they all began stripping off their clothes (underwear stayed on). Then, when getting dressed again, they couldn't find the arm or neck holes in their shirts, so they got tangled in their clothes until directed otherwise.
-- Whenever the hypnotist chose one participant to dance with, all the other participants were to become extremely jealous. But they were glued to their chairs and their chairs were glued to the floor. You should have seen these people FREAKING OUT because they couldn't stop their lover from dancing with someone else.

It was a great day at sea and a great trip overall! Off to bed for a looooong drive back to Salt Lake tomorrow!

Spring Break Day 4

We woke up in Ensanada, Mexico, which is about 130 miles south of San Diego. We took a city tour and learned so much! I won't bore you with all the details, but you can learn all about Ensenada here. Our tour guide took us to the world's third-largest blow hole, "La Bufadora". It wasn't blowing very strong that day, so here's a pic I found online of a big blow (that's what she said)! There were tons of shops near the blow hole, especially pharmacies. I have been to Mexico plenty of times, but I never remember being offered Cialis, Viagra, and Prozac every 5 feet! I would have bought some Botox if I knew how to inject it into myself. We also tried to find Joe a wedding ring because we thought it would make for a good story, but they only had silver and he wants "black metal", whatever that is.

This was our only chance to grab some authentic Mexican food, so we tried a taco combo platter: shrimp, fish, and carne asada. They were AWESOME, and they came with free margaritas! Have you ever had a Mexican margarita? They are nothing like margaritas here -- they are made with Squirt, tequila, and lime juice! Also, the beer is much cheaper onshore than on the ship, so we had to take advantage of that by buying a "bucket-o-beer." We didn't want to carry around all 6 bottles in a big bucket of ice, so the waiter was nice enough to pour each of our 3 bottles into HUGE Big-Gulp-type cups. It was so ghetto and awesome! And we could drink on the bus. It was like the Wendover FunBus except with way better views.

Next, we visited Santa Tomas Winery in downtown Ensenada. The tour was pretty disappointing; it wasn't nearly as cool as the tequila factory we toured in Puerto Vallarta last year. They just showed us a big warehouse full of oak barrels and antiquated equipment, and then tried to sell us a bunch of wine (which we bought, duh!)

We got back to the ship just in time for Formal Night dinner. Can I just say how RIDICULOUS this event is? Every cruise does it, and it is just as stupid every time. Joe and I put all this time and effort into packing our suit/cocktail dress and getting all gussied up, just to walk into the dining room to find half the people in jeans! And the ship staff does nothing about it. If they are going to advertise formal night, they need to enforce it. Why should I look all pretty while other people in sweat pants get to stuff themselves silly?

Off to bed for a day-at-sea tomorrow...